The silent cat. 06/23/02 I like the person I am when I'm alone with him. I say whatever's on my mind, I'm not self-conscious. Only once in a while do I succeed in being this version of me when among a group of people, I'm too... shy? That's not quite it. Shy implies feeling afraid. I'm not afraid to appear foolish, or offend anyone. I don't care really what they think of me. Sometimes I try to come up with something to say, to be more a part of the conversation, not just listening to everyone else. But rarely can I contribute anything different from what everyone else says. No fresh viewpoints, or new information on the topic. And if I do come up with something to say, usually I can't express it well. Steve understands what I'm trying to get across. He seems able to fill in the blanks when I can't find the right words. I communicate better with him than anyone I've ever met, even my brother. It’s been this way since we first met, and is one of the reasons I fell in love with him so quickly. My vocabulary is decent, but translating the fuzzy thoughts/feelings/pictures in my head into words, then putting the words into proper order so that others can understand what I'm trying to get across, well, that takes time. I get the syntax or grammar wrong and end up sounding like Yoda. Or by the time I put together what I want to say, the conversation has moved on past that subject. I am usually content to sit back and listen, fading into the background, knowing that if I want attention, my non-verbal communication skills can draw attention to myself. Sometimes even I forget I'm there. Feels like I'm watching the others on a screen, and when someone addresses me directly, it startles me back into the picture.
