Creativity. 09/29/02
I did some artwork the other day and was actually enjoying it. Painting a boat in silver paint onto a piece of suede cut in a shield-shape, which I then had to glue onto a cloak. The other artists who had added shields to the cloak mostly had used embroidery or beadwork but I think mine looked pretty good anyway. Tasks like this I usually dread, because everyone who knows I'm an artist expects me to do an impressive job at anything artistic. So there is: a) the pressure to do an exceptional job, b) insecurity about my own skills, and c) pure laziness, lack of motivation to finish the project or devote much time to it, all affecting me whenever I try to create. But after completing the work and seeing that it is well done, I experience such relief at getting it over with and such pride at my talent/skills. Which makes me want to be artistic more often.
I realize that I need to get back to drawing & painting as a pleasurable hobby. A way to spend my free time, not a chore that I have to force myself to keep up with. Maybe I can get back into it by scribbling on scratch paper when waiting for a slow internet page to upload. Or creating graphics for my eventual website. For so many years my job has been artwork oriented. Designing type & logos at the model train place, improving photographs at my current dead-end job. If I can manage to find work doing something different, that I'm skilled at, that isn't demanding creatively, will I miss doing artwork at work? And do I even have any other useful skills? Will my pleasure at doing artwork return fully only when I don't do it for a living? I guess all these questions are rhetorical.
It is hard to even imagine not having this job, it has been the only place I've worked all the time I've lived here. I want to get away from it so badly, I just have to find someone who wants to hire me. I am proud that my skills are rare, hard to achieve, and frustrated in my job search by that same uniqueness. I only find an ad asking for someone matching my qualifications every 2 weeks or so. But the quest shall go on, and I am determined not to give up and spend another holiday season at the photo lab.
