Chocolate-covered Baklava. 10/10/03
"Ambivalence is not an inability to make a choice. Ambivalence is a struggle that results from the consideration of many possibilities. Ambivalence, as a state in a world that wants to be high-functioning, in a culture in which we clearly value getting things done, getting them done quickly and well... is something that is quite underrated."
~ Donald Antrim
I am often indecisive. Ambivalent? Apathetic? Merely content to follow any of the paths, any of the choices available?
"Women know what they want", an old friend of mine used to declare. "They just change their minds all the time."
My Love and I are sitting on (or in, really) the couch. "What do you want to do tomorrow?" He'll say. "I dunno," I'll reply. "Go somewhere, maybe." We end up deciding to watch a movie that night, and to go for a hike the next day.
And now we are at the video store. "We could just get this one," I say, holding up the DVD I've been carrying around the store for 15 minutes. "Well, maybe," he says. "I dunno what sort of movie I'm in the mood for right now." We see our friends Bear and Vicki, another young couple, browsing the shelves of New Releases. They are about as indecisive as we are. Eventually we all end up in the checkout line. Choosing movie snacks turns out to be a little easier. She definitely needs some chocolate. But how much? "I'd better get both of these," she decides, placing two king-size candy bars in her husband's hands. I have chosen the gummy fish myself. Steve has picked the red licorice twists, and we're all set for the evening.
Back at home, more questions arise. To have sodas or hard lemonade? Smoke pot or not? Which movie to see first? I find myself wishing that there were someone else to decide everything, to plan the evening for us. As Steve has said in the past, "We need our own Entertainment Director." All such little choices, perhaps that's why it can be so difficult. Either way, one or the other -- we'll have a good time, no dire consequences for selecting the WRONG Recreational Activity… Oh, Heaven forfend. I find myself eating pizza, when what I really wanted was Chinese... the weekend is ruined.
I look back on recent choices I have made on a larger scale. Waffling, apathy, ambivalence shoved aside, I become at times determined to be decisive and jump right in whatever the consequences. That is what I did when I finally left the photo lab behind and started this new job. Years of indecision regretted, as I realize I could have found this fresh start long ago.
The spontaneous decision I am most proud of, which I will never regret, is that of moving out here to live with my Love. A steady job, a place to live, my family -- left in the Nevada dust as I jumped into my new life here on the coast.
Today I have decided to have the chocolate covered baklava, which has also been a very delightful decision.
