Life's Journeys. 06/24/03
A large part of my life has been made up of days like this one:
A novel's worth of words going through my mind. Speaking maybe a total of 3 sentences to other people. Alone upon waking, alone among crowds on the bus, alone among co-workers, alone at home, going to bed alone.
Alone, but not lonely. Welcoming the chance to disconnect. Almost completely immersed in deep introspection for the entire time.
Ten years ago, this solitude-among-the-masses was my constant way of life. These days it is more like an occasional escape. I analyze my present circumstances, my future aspirations, my sanity, my beliefs. Sometimes I end up with clearer word-pictures in my mind, sometimes just endless yarn-snarls of rumination.
Wandering around, lost in thought, I lose track of time. Today my "lunch hour" ended up being more like an hour and 45 minutes. But one good thing about being in this self-absorbed state, I kept myself fairly entertained on a day that would otherwise have been boring as hell.
Another benefit of today's line of thinking: I've figured out what is at the core of my recurring frustrations. But I'm not sure if I can articulate what it is too clearly. Hmmm. It's an assumption of sorts. I realized I'd always gone through life assuming that I was on an upward path. That life was a series of circumstances always improving. A few setbacks now and then, but generally headed upwards, onwards. I guess a lot of people default to this way of thinking. Seeing their lives as hiking up a hill, running a race in a straight line. But it is really more like being a fish swimming around in a pond. Sometimes you move ahead, then maybe you swim in circles for a while. You find you've drifted back down into the dark shadowy cooler water. You dart forward and reach the warm waters with the sun shining on the surface. You tread water for a while. And then go off in another direction...
I remember learning to drive, then borrowing my mother's car, then buying my first used car. I figured that soon I would be trading it in for a newer, less used car. After that would come my first new car. Eventually, years down the road, owning a beautiful Jaguar sports coupe. Ha! If you'd told me then, in 1993, that this first car ever bought would be newer and less used than the vehicle I drive in 2003, I sure wouldn't have taken it very well. Most of my illusions about the way life was supposed to be have turned out have met with a more realistic view throughout the years. But now I know that this journey isn't a straight road but more of a meandering exploring drive through the country, and I shouldn't let the switchbacks get me frustrated anymore.
