A curious state. 02/26/03
Sometimes I'm happy for no reason at all. Sitting around at work, waiting for the machines to warm up, I find myself humming softly, smiling on the outside and euphoric inside. Why? It's just another workday. I'm half awake, nothing on my mind other than the tasks at hand. Perhaps I have unusually high levels of the chemical that sends happiness signals to the brain. Seratonin, maybe, that sounds familiar.
I think that the opposite condition is much more common. I read many journals and message board posts written by people who are seriously depressed, often with no easily discernible cause. So many people on mood-altering medication, which doesn't seem to help them much. Whatever this is that causes my general contentment and occasional euphoria, I wish I could bottle it and distribute it widely. Free of charge. For I often want to do something to help, or even just be able to relate to their state of overwhelming despair and empathize. Simply writing, "Hang in there! I know you can make it through this!" seems so insipid and completely ineffectual.
Part of my way of reacting to life's frustrations is due to my upbringing. When I was a kid, my usual good-natured attitude gave way sometimes and I'd despair over how everything was just NOT FAIR. My Dad would say, "No more of this sobbing and sulking about, now. It won't do you any good to be moping and all cranky. Go on, get back to playing and be happy." He would shake his head, saying, "Such a Deal, such a DEAL." My Mom would say, "Don't you dare start crying! You're being such a baby! Stop that right now or I'll take all your stuffed animals away!"
Now that I'm all grown up (supposedly) I realize that it's okay to express my emotions, even the negative ones sometimes. But not much goes on in my life that seems worth getting worked up about.
And nothing, really, to be causing this bouncy happiness. Maybe my subconscious is delightfully anticipating something, and not letting my conscious mind in on it? Or perhaps the simple fact that I am indoors where it's warm, wrapped in a comfy sweater, has me feeling like I could purr?
Whatever. Life is good. I shall continue to sit here smiling mysteriously.
