Blog, Essays & Art

An expression of weariness. 07/15/04

Sometimes I think to myself, “I’m so cold and tired.”  I hate being cold, and complain to myself inwardly about it pretty much all winter. And I often feel worn out, weary and would just like to curl up somewhere warm and take a nap.

But the old refrain, “I’m so cold and tired” it’s gotten to the point where I’m saying it to myself even when it’s not really true. Driving home from work yesterday, thinking such words, I realized that a) I was, actually, physically too warm closed up inside the car in the hot evening sun. And b) I had gotten more than 8 hours sleep the night before, and I’d been sitting around not doing much active all day long, I had a bit of energy now and felt as if I could be awake for many hours yet.

I think it has just become my expression of mild discontent. I am occasionally just tired of having to do many of the things that hold our life together -– Going to work, driving around running errands, paying bills, taking care of the house, and of my animals and plants, being awake and lively and pleasant when I don’t feel like it. Everybody has to deal with the same everyday stuff that I do, pretty much. We’re all stuck in this modern consumer society, but our frustration with it has to be stifled… or do most people not even feel it? Not even imagine escaping from the work/commute/responsibilities mundane-ness of life? Or maybe this is part of why so many people get cranky or depressed regularly.

I am indeed content a great deal of the time. When happily busily wrapped up in all the details of life, or when taking a break from all the stuff that should be done, and instead doing something merely because I enjoy it. I probably spend more time in leisure activities than the average person anyway.

But it sometimes it seems like not enough time is spent delighting in life, and way too much time is devoted to merely doing what one must do to hold on to what you have and working towards having more… more money, stuff, knowledge, accomplishments. Rarely more time.

And at those times I think that I’m cold, and tired. All I want when I’m in that frame of mind are indulgent things like warmth and sleep and food and quiet and loving and cuddling. I want to take a break from being an adult human and just trade places with a housecat for a day or so.

“I need a vacation,” that’s another way people put it. But coming back from a long relaxing weekend or a fun road trip, I find myself more likely to be frustrated with the daily grind, rather than refreshed and ready to take on those everyday tasks again.

I am hopeful about this looking-for-a-new-job thing. Change can be good, perhaps having goals to work towards can take my mind from weariness to lively determination.

Maybe when I find myself feeling “cold and tired” I can remind myself of things to look forward to, and dwell on the things about daily life that I would never want to change, and am very grateful for. That could be an antidote for weariness of the spirit, worth a shot, anyway.

Right now I feel like it’s possible I can deal with whatever comes my way today, without groaning outwardly or feeling physically or mentally drained. I must remember that I am the Goddess, after all. Powerful and all that. Oh, meow.



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