Blog, Essays & Art

Getting it all done. 11/03/04

I can accomplish an amazing amount of stuff in a very short period of time -- and do it very well. This is one of my strengths, but also, in a way, a weakness. Because I tend to put things off until the last possible minute, knowing that no matter what I can get it done, just grit my teeth and get to it, no stopping no breaks to eat or drink just work work work or clean clean clean or sew sew sew or walk walk walk. And I'm there, it's complete, what a rush, such a sense of accomplishment. Which almost immediately leads to a sense of letdown, anticlimactic apathy, since what, exactly, have I achieved? I made it to work on time! Yay. I finished my Halloween costume! Yup. I watered the entire garden! Woohoo. I got another issue of the paper to the press! Great. Sure, but stop sitting around dawdling cause it’s time to start working on the next project…

Sometimes it seems that all I’ve done is just manage to survive. To create a few small things, to hold my life together. To keep my job and my place to live and maintain my relationship with Steve. My accomplishments are so meaningless that they wouldn't even be considered accomplishments to most people. Really, I'm proud of myself when I manage to drag myself out of bed in the morning. I feel like I've conquered the world, beset upon from all sides by near insurmountable obstacles that I battle my way through time and again..., when really all I've done is to put together a newspaper that few people will ever read and that looks like trash despite my best efforts to bring some class to the design of the damn rag.

I need to divert some of this strong will into more lasting achievements, something that means more to me than just getting a job done or creating something pretty. Hmm. But when it takes great willpower just to make it through the day without crumbling, that's all I manage to do. I have nothing left. Drained.



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